Anxiety is an arsehole

Great title right?

Anxiety is an arsehole. Anxiety is a fucknuggeting fuckface. It fucks with your brain, emotions, self confidence, self esteem, self belief, basically everything.

It’s a nasty bastard that seems to swoop down on you like an eagle spotting a fleeing mouse, bringing you down from 100 to 0 real quick in some cases or more slowly chipping away at you. It messes with you, sits on your shoulder niggling away, chatting untrue bollocks in your ear, first quietly then louder and louder until you can’t ignore it. Any grain of doubt is magnified until it takes over. It’s like your thoughts are not your own.

It makes you feel like shit. You don’t trust yourself any more, you push trusted ones away because you think you’re bothering them or they think you’re weak or judging you.

Thing is. ANXIETY IS A LIAR. It twists your thoughts up. You worry about stupid shit like not catching a bus and things that are likely to never happen like being called in for a chat with your boss and leaving the room with no job. ANXIETY IS A BIG FAT LIAR.

The worst part is it destroys you inside. I personally have experienced , at my very worst, daily panic attacks, worrying about money, that I was failing at uni, that everyone thought I was stupid, that I would never get a job, that interviewers thought I was a prick – the old, what’s she on about, what a tool, type thing. I mind read things that were in no way true. I worried that I was incompetent and incapable at work. I wasn’t myself for almost a year. I didn’t believe I had the right skills to succeed at work or uni. I plastered that fucking mask on with concrete. I was terrified of being “found out” and being judged. Which is why I was anxious about “coming out” with my anxiety at work. I thought it was going to be ‘ she can’t cope this won’t work’ but was happily proved wrong. I learned to trust other people again and started to open back up, become more sociable albeit forced. I started to get slowly more confident, building myself back up with the help of amazing support.

I won’t deny that I’m not who I was and probably never will be because of everything that’s happened in the past, and anxiety is always going to be with me. But I am learning how to manage it and looking back at how I was, when I felt I couldn’t cope, every day was a struggle, panic attacks with depersonalisation, shaking etc on a pretty much daily basis, worrying about X Y and Z, then I have made big progress.

I do realise that I’ll probably never really be truly “Okay” but this has made me a different person, a more resilient, braver, stronger (even though I sometimes don’t feel it) person. Opening up to others was a big part of this. It was screwing me up inside. It is scary but you feel a weight lifting afterwards.

I do still have “bad anxiety days” where even if there’s no panic attack, I want to close myself off and have no social interactions, I want to be away from people, I tend to get moody and quiet. I have to force myself to go interact with others socially. These days are usually when I’m less focused so I try to throw myself into my work, checking everything triple times.

Something else to note. I don’t know why I’m anxious about everything, it’s just the way I am. Mindfulness is helping me to focus and give the anxiety some space so it doesn’t become all consuming.

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