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So this week I’ve attended my first wellbeing course session as referred by the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies service (IAPT) where I live. I made the sacrifice of an extra hour of sleep, at least for the next few weeks, so I can finish an hour early at work to make it to the session. From the first session, I can tell that this will be a good choice. It’s pretty much taught CBT which will hopefully be hugely beneficial. I’ve reached a point where anxiety has started to affect my work so I’m willing to try anything that could help.

I spoke before about anxiety cycling. The last week or so it’s more my behaviours and thoughts that cycled. I’ve needed to seek a lot more reassurance from others and felt unfocused a lot this week. I’ve felt incompetent and almost incapable of finishing tasks. I suppose then this reflects within my physical symptoms and furthers the vicious anxiety laden cycle.

Just recently I’ve come to the realisation of just how tough the last 18 months to 2 years have been. The initial triggering of my anxiety and the continual battle with my demons. It’s so tiring fighting every single day while just trying to function never mind work. But somehow most days, I manage it pretty well, but it’s exhausting. Add the depression and PCOS into that lovely mix and it’s a wonder I can get out of bed sometimes. Sometimes I do have to almost force myself. I do get days at work where something insignificant sets the anxiety off and I tend to withdraw into myself a little. A lot of the time I just want to be on my own. I have started to subliminally fight back though. I’ve been going to lunch with colleagues when I’ve just wanted to crawl away. Some days it is a real struggle to motivate myself for anything. The tiredness seems neverending sometimes.

I have recently started going back to the gym after 18 months away because of a lot of reasons, my prolapsed disc which is now temporarily at bay, lack of money, and the overall anxiousness of starting a new job and not wanting to put down too many roots because of the anxiety of uncertainty in the job, plus the actual anxiety of going to the gym itself. Irrational I know but that’s apparently how I roll?! I’ve only been going the last couple of weeks and it’s amazing what a good workout does for my stress and anxiety levels and the feel good factor too. I’ve felt better this past fortnight and I enjoy pushing myself.

I’ve heard a quote/saying or something that says “anxiety is the shadow of intelligence”. This is very true. So many people , both famous and ordinary, are really intelligent in different ways but suffer badly with anxiety disorders. It’s almost like a punishment for intelligence. I prefer to think of it as nobody can be ‘perfect’ and anxiety etc means you use the higher functions of your brain more and are maybe more emotional connected? I dunno but there you go.

On the upside I’ve recently have had 2 tattoos done. Very much anxiety themed but unique to me. “I am titanium” is a reference to the song by David Guetta, which means (oh look as I’m writing this it’s just come through on my iPod) basically no matter what shit gets thrown at you and knocks you down, you stand up and fight through everything because you’re stronger than that.

“If I just let go I’d be set free” is another song reference, this time to “Heavy” by Linkin Park. This song resonates with me so much just because of the lyrics. I think the lyric itself sort of gets at letting go of all the anxious thoughts and feelings you’d be free , but we also know this isn’t the case, although it would be great if so.

The deer has the wording “I know you feel anxious, but you forgot the part where you’re a badass”. I found this on Pinterest and I thought it was awesome. The colouring on the deer is frankly amazing and my tattooist is an awesome dude. The deer is on the other side of my arm to my anxiety demon which is pretty apt.

I had a small panic attack last week, which is I suppose a setback but it didn’t take over. I still got the scary depersonalisation and no concentration but it didn’t last for as long, which is progress.

It’s ok not to be ok.

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