Energy, breaking down and strength.

So bit of an odd title, but there is a kind of explanation behind it. This past week has been one of stress and emotion. But sometimes it’s like you need to have a mini breakdown – by this I mean , well I’ll explain it by my own words and experience as ever. So I had what I’ll call a full on week at work, but small things went wrong every day. Which of course helpfully added up to a crapload of feelings emotions anxiousness and stress, culminating in a a little thing sending me off. Now for me this nearly always means one of two things – I either can’t control my mouth, and bite back without thinking, or, as what happened on Friday, I have a total crying meltdown. Fortunately these meltdowns are not a common thing for me they kind of go in cycles.

The ‘crying meltdown’ lasted for roughly an hour and afterwards I was shattered, but I did feel a bit better afterwards. The energy it takes to get through hard days and rough weeks or cycles , panic attacks most of all. It makes me feel like I’ve been 12 rounds in a boxing match or similar. It’s difficult to explain sometimes, like today I suddenly just felt exhausted mentally and socially – I mean it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary at work, I just feel absolutely fucked. What rather annoyingly combines with this is usually me in a grumpy git mood, however I’m learning slowly to override this moodiness. Doesn’t make it any better though.

Strength is an interesting concept in terms of mental illness and anxiety. People and I include myself in this, feel so fucking weak when anxiety or depression gets them with its long inescapable tendrils, thing is though, and I’ve learned this , you are so fucking bloody strong for living with anxiety and fighting it everyday, going round after round within a whirlwind of anxiety and strong strong emotions. You stood toe to toe with anxiety and didn’t fucking give in to the demonic bastard and continue to do so. Anxiety is a mean bitch to put it mildly, and it does not define anyone.

Keep fighting.


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