Tired.

There’s a point when you get tired. Tired of socialising tired of people tired of talking.

I’m at that point within my sleep cycle where my so called quality sleep is somewhat limited shall I say. That point is also really not helpful as it triggers off my anxiety at an above what’s normal low level for me, which is of course doubly helpful for my focus at work and in general, not to mention my patience and generally feeling meh. So yeah at the moment as I’m writing this I just want to curl up and sleep. Yesterday I was really busy at work which was helpful to keep my good ol’ demons at bay, plus it was a really good productive day at work. Being busy does seem to help with the anxiety, but I can’t sustain being busy all the time and sometimes the demon lurks on my shoulder whispering things about how terrible I am at this that and the other.

It’s also this point where I become a little bit emotionally unstable or emotionally drained, mood swings but thankfully not long lasting, and hormonal balance goes fucking crazy. I can’t help it, or at least I’ve not found a way to manage it properly other than the ol’ mask coming out and faking it, or just not interacting much.

My anxiety sometimes appears to come in cycles where I can be relatively ok for a while but as soon as a minorly stress occurs them WHAM, anxiety whispers “I’m back” in my ear.

I got this bracelet recently, it represents mental health survivors, like me, who fight a daily battle with their own mind, which frankly is terrifying. It’s also extremely tiring and there you see why poor sleep really helps… Right?

You see all the time that people fighting cancer or MND or other physical illnesses are called “warriors” or “brave”, but no one ever talk about those of us that suffer from the unseen illnesses, the mental illnesses, anxiety, depression, seasonal affective disorder, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and so many more. We are all brave as fuck too you know, just because our fight is unseen and our scars aren’t always visible. Sometimes though it’s so hard to keep going, anxiety wears you down , and I think, well it’s the case for me anyway, you can’t fight all the time, so every so often I will have a bad anxiety day where I really really struggle but then the next day is brilliant. This is why I keep fighting anxiety.

Anxiety at work is something I’ve spoken about previously, and I suppose it depends on your job how much and in what areas it affects you. With my job, I find it usually goes on of two ways with the practical part – either I’m really unfocused and only just catch myself before making stupid errors, or I am super focused and as me and my boss call it “focused brain on today”, and I literally smash it out (in a good way) and check everything constantly. In terms of non practical stuff, it’s a lot harder to keep focused because clearly my brain feels that it isn’t doing anything worthwhile when in fact it should be. I have to almost have a conversation with my brain and just say “yes it’s boring but I have to do it”. I also suffer a lot with my memory but sometimes after doing the process a few times it’s almost automatic. My boss and I have a strategy to write important bits that I actually need to remember and this book lives in my pocket or on my desk, and it is really useful to not have to rack my brain each time.

The best thing I can do when I’m in this kind of exhausted anxious emotional state is talk about it, but if I don’t feel like it, I put some Linkin Park on and sing/bellow/shout along. Linkin Park have got me and many others through some tough times. Titanium by David Guetta is also a good one is use.

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