Sick and Tired/Highs and Lows

Some days I get irritated with the constant battle against anxiety and depression. I get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I think ‘why me?’ . But then I think… Wait … Although anxiety and depression are frankly a pain in the arse and draining, and like fighting a never ending war, they have, in a strange way helped me. They have showed me that I have a lot of strength and resilience, although it doesn’t feel like it much of the time, and I can fight it.

Some days I feel almost numb, detached from my emotions, like I’m watching myself feel. It’s a strange thing really, I sometimes think this is a combination of anxiety and stress playing tig within my head. It’s sometimes like I feel nothing or everything and no in between. This isn’t the case very often fortunately. I’ve started to ‘feel’ again, by that I mean I can actually be upset by a TV show or a sad bit in a movie, I can be incredibly happy when I’ve got a lot done at work or done something I wanted to do. Most of all, and I’m not really sure how to word this, but I can feel and be like “awww” and genuinely feel it, like a wedding I was at recently, the newlyweds had their first dance to a lovely song, sung live by an excellent singer, and previously when presented with this scenario I’d be like “……” And probably fake ‘aww’. However I genuinely felt mushy inside and genuinely happy. That’s how I know I can do this. It may seem like an insignificant things to a lot of people but it’s taken a long time to feel properly like that again, I used to be afraid to feel because of my depression where a combination of medication (fluoxetine) and my own not wanting to show emotion because I felt emotionally numb and unstable like I would burst into tears , but slowly it came back, with a change of medication (citalopram) and well I’m not sure, maybe mindfulness, maybe just something went “ping” inside.

I will say this though. It’s been a long gradual process to get back to being like I am now and it’s a long road back still but I just have to keep on going.

It may be understandable why I haven’t had much confidence recently. I wrote before about being psychologically bullied by a former coach, and it was comments like “don’t let me down” just before I was about to go on as a substitute in a match, that really stuck with me unfortunately, that sort of thing didn’t need to be said. Like I was really going to go out and play crap on purpose! I had a decent game for the 10 minutes I was allowed on for… There’s another thing – didn’t even get a chance to prove to myself or her that I could do it. I’m sure you can imagine how fucking shit I felt. Being belittled by someone who was supposed to guide me teach me and coach me. And the events leading up to me stopping playing rugby caused me to find it hard to trust people. Indeed it took me a while to trust my boss, even though she’s fab with me really warm and friendly, because of my trust issues. It take a while to open up to people because of everything that’s happened in the past 18 months. It changed me as a person perhaps made me more cynical. However as I’ve written in this post I’m making strides to change again, build trust in people, becoming more confident in my own skills and indeed myself as a whole. Indeed though because of all this, I’ve been at my new job 3 months and only in the last 2/3 weeks have I actually started having conversations with people I work with, more than just ‘ hi’ in passing. I’m a shy person when placed in new situations so obviously it was always going to be a challenge to go into a very different environment and I did wonder how I’d cope. But I have a sort of routine or at least I know generally how a day will go which helps. You can probably see why I’ve struggled because of association with all the nasty shit that’s happened,but I’m now trying to put it behind me, if you like, and I’ve been lent a self help anxiety book that teaches you how to do CBT from occupational health at work. So far it seems like something that could work.

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