Been a while since my last post. Not been too bad to be fair. Anxiety seems to be pretty much docile for the moment which is frankly fucking awesome. I do however as you well know, have another delightfully packaged condition known as PCOS. To put it nice n simple – it fucks up your hormones ! In my case this consists of predisposition to both anxiety and depression (winning!) , higher than ‘normal’ levels for us lasses anyhoo of things called androgens, known as ‘male’ hormones, stuff like testosterone basically. This in my case gives the wonderful growth of my facial hair. Now I’m sure I’ve previously mentioned this. I think PCOS is wrestling with anxiety at the min to win #1 attention seeker, as because I currently am managing my anxiety successfully, it’s seen it’s chance for a moment in the spotlight. So mood swings central, stopping off at ‘why cry’ city, ‘fucked off’ street and via ‘paranoid’ village along the way in my brain. Plus added random pain and hot sweats thrown in for shits n giggles is always a right laugh.
Back to the source then. I feel like I’ve almost sort of broken free from the tassels of my original serious trigger – the psychological bullying. I am now I suppose able to almost objectively view what I remember happened. Looking like that , I’m not fucking surprised that I ended up in the state I did. I was systematically psychologically abused by someone who should have known better and basically was taken advantage of.
Enough about that though. 18 months down the line, it’s almost like I’m a different person. I was speaking today with my boss, and I said something along the lines of ” well I’ll never really be completely okay” which is sadly true because of what I’ve physically, emotionally and mentally endured and yes, scarred by. I have periods like the one at the minute where I genuinely feel great and the anxiety is pretty much nonexistent or as background noise. Other times, the anxiety is at a heightened level and I’m at the point where the mask has to be popped on.
I wonder. I wonder if anyone with anxiety out there has ever had a similar experience – I wonder why people feel the need to make others feel about an inch tall – I mean, they’re getting off on making others feel like fucking shit, toying with their emotions. It’s not fair, particularly for those people that are more sensitive because of their chemical and genetic makeup in their brain – they aren’t targets!
After all that, it does surprise me that I’m not a bitter lemon about it all. I’ve started to accept it for what it is and it’s a part of my past. I’m a lot more resilient for everything I’ve gone through and that’s helped me become who I am now. I’ve accepted that yes, I am someone who’s probably gonna rely on anti anxiety or antidepressants for the rest of her life – so? It’s not really a choice is it? I’m bisexual – again it’s who I am – so fucking what? I am what I am.
It’s disgraceful that people have to hide who they are because of ‘expectations’ – because other people not sure of themselves or who are pretty much ignoramus arseholes decide they aren’t allowed to be. Guess what motherfuckers?
Fight the stigma and be proud of you.