Bit of an odd title I know.
I’ve spoken previously about how my anxiety and depression tends to go in cycles. Well today was not a good day. A bad cycle which probably started on Friday. I didn’t particularly see it coming until it had already enveloped me. I just felt like I was being a bit ditzy, y’know? Forgetting things and being badly organised and generally working myself into a stress when there was no need for it. Caused a fuck up at work which is completely my fault and well now I feel like shite. Today I got what I deserved and bang! Full waves of anxiety on the attack once again some justified some not. Sometimes I hate myself and the way I am and the way I react to situations. Anxiety jumps up and down on my buttons and knows just how far to push me. I’ve got the feeling of losing control of how I feel and emotionally I lose composure and ability to rationally think. Today has been frankly a fucking shite start to the week with the exception of one little light. I plucked up courage to finally phone the IAPT team on. Friday and this afternoon I managed to phone them back and take steps to maybe start getting help. That in itself is a massive step for anybody with demons, it’s hard to reach out for help. Anyway after a long phone conversation with a therapist the first steps have been taken – I’m going to a 6 week wellbeing course which is an hour a week.
Back to today. I can’t focus, settle, calm or concentrate and to be fair that’s been creeping in since last week. The background of agitation and anxiety are in again. I know the ‘good’ cycles won’t last long but this caught me out and well I’ve still got all week at work and I’m already emotionally and physically spent today.
I feel really vulnerable too like I’m out of control like anxiety has its claws firmly dug into me at the moment. But depression has now sneaked in and it’s stuck it’s oar in and I think that’s what’s the worst just now. I feel lots of things all at once I feel sad I feel useless and that I’ve let people down. I’m scared that I’ll be that low again, I’m scared of people getting close because I push them away. I feel super needy and sometimes a burden. I’m not ashamed to say and admit that I’m
struggling right now. I’m honestly struggling to find a balance between self belief and overconfidence. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming and shouting but no one can hear me, like I’m drowning in my own mind and emotions. Not gonna lie this fucking sucks. I intend to fight this but I’m exhausted and mentally and emotionally fucked. I need a break from fighting this demon. But somehow I get up and fight a new battle each day because this won’t beat me.
I have sometimes this irrational anger or anger at my own inadequacy. Today I think I had a little panic attack. I feel like I’ve taken 3 steps back from the last month’s work.