So on my last post I wrote about how I’d made progress with my anxiety. Well today I had a setback or blip. Had a day where almost everything that could have gone wrong went wrong . I woke up feeling anxious and unfortunately I evidently catastrophised this and carried it through to the rest of my day. There was a somewhat insignificant issue at work and then a fire alarm which interfered with my work, so that put me further on edge, and finally my train was delayed by almost 40 minutes so yeah my day was crap.
I went through a range of emotions today, anxiousness and being really on edge being the main ones, also including irritation, becoming annoyed at my own (non existent) ineptness and restlessness. It’s hard to put into words how I actually feel, I feel kind of numb as I’m writing this, like I felt lots of things and now I’ve just hit an emotional wall. My levels of anxiety were peaking at various points of the day, and I’ve previously written about the ‘signs’ that I seem to show on a day where I’ve got a heightened level of anxiety. Well today the main apparent one was ‘going quiet’ and not wanting to engage with anyone or make eye contact even with people I trust.
Feeling on edge is pretty horrible, I can’t settle or be still always feeling I should be doing something or be somewhere even if I don’t have to be. And of course the joy that is anxiety joins in and makes it 100 times worse, those two play off each other all the time. Surprisingly though the anxiety was at a lower level than before which must indicate I’m heading in the right direction.
Days like these are really frustrating for me but slowly I’m learning to let them go, but it’ll be a while before I can just accept the bad anxiety days for what they are and not dwell on them. I think personally, because I always set high standards for myself and expect myself to get everything right first time. However I am slowly learning to accept that this is me and this is how I roll. However I am learning to trust myself and slowly but surely believing in myself again. Having support at work does really help too.
I’m starting to accept that maybe sometimes I have to take small steps at a time and that there will be setbacks and that’s okay. It’s difficult most days and emotionally exhausting just trying to hold it together some days and on others it isn’t. Anxiety isn’t something you can just switch on and off, it’s constant it’s always sat on your shoulder giggling poking finding the next thing to worry you with. I find myself sometimes worrying about worrying and it’s not a nice sensation. This is why I try to keep busy sometimes overloading myself to attempt to keep the demons at bay. I always feel like I’m being needy but it is incredibly difficult to ask for help and you feel like running away, but asking for help is the first step.
It’s a fucking long zig zag windy road to recovery. Small steps each day.