Letter of love/hate

Fibro fibro fibro. Alas I thought you had gone on a lockdown jolly, bogged off to a land of the far East bedroom.

Nope. Today you came back. Arrived mid night with deep seated vengeance, and combined yourself with periods, polycystic ovaries and suspected chest infection.

God I love you fibromyalgia. Love to hate you that is.

More coughing and phelgm than you desired? No problem! Then omg panic attack from anxiety, your best pal because shit, of course it’s fucking COVID-19? (It’s not btw) of course! Great! Restless and poor quality sleep? I gotcha! Then bad stomach pain solved only by stopping what I do completely, painkillers and heatpack? You know it guuurl! Oh and sprinkle with fatigue all day? You got it!

Sounds like a crappy ad right? Nope it’s just another episode in the fibromyalgia and me saga, special guesting migraines, anxiety and mood swings.

So we’re whatever day this is in lockdown in the UK now. Suppose with the fibro it’s not much different being effectively under ‘ house arrest’ as I wouldn’t be doing much anyway when I’m having a bad flare. I have, before today, had a lot (touch wood) of “good days” though.

By definition, a “good day” is one with minimal/no or manageable pain, minimum/no or manageable fatigue and less or no distressing thoughts/anxiety. Basically, I can get shit done.

I have got some things done though as I’ve now got a bit of time on my hands with the ol’ furlough on my table. I have been busy in the garden and planted beetroot seeds, spring onion seeds and some lovely flowers called cosmos , and inside I’ve got some tomato seeds , planted a week ago now, and as you can see, there’s A LOT of shoots already. Gardening and plants are one thing that I’ve got into and really enjoyed, and also something that probably pulled me back from the dark, and the almost brink this time last year after all that went on.

It’s something that gets me out too. In winter, I planted mini daffodils and crocuses, as well as alliums, which have been easy to look after, and add lovely colour,brightening the day – though the alliums haven’t flowered just yet, I’m excited for them to!

Also as you all know, writing and writing poems in particular helps me to deal with thoughts and emotions. I’m continuing to do this in the current ongoing crisis and trying to look after myself ,going for my one walk a day if I so desire, and if not, getting out into the garden, listening and photographing the visiting birds – we’ve had a chaffinch, bullfinch, even a goldfinch, alongside sparrows, bluetits and a couple of regular robins coming to our garden. It’s amazing how much you hear and see if you sit or stand quietly and patiently. Butterflies have started to return too as the weather finally gets warmer.

I have had spikes of anxiety here and there, but not as much as I thought I would have. I’m just trying to take everything one step at a time, minimise my news intake (as this does cause an anxiety spike) as far as possible, and almost distract myself from the world and do things that need doing or I want to get done, like baking, or reading a book, adult colouring books or listening to music, and most of all, trying to keep myself safe. I hope you guys all are too. Until the next time.

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