So it’s been a while.
A few things have happened. I have started (have had 3 sessions so far) some therapy for my undiagnosed PTSD, called EMDR. EMDR is eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing, and from what I’ve been told by my therapist, and from what I’ve researched myself, is basically allowing the brain to process the traumatic and distressing memories, to the point where they don’t trigger that anxious, horrible reaction and you just don’t have any real reaction to the triggering memory. Then that memory is reprocessed.
I won’t lie, before I decided to try EMDR for my PTSD, I looked into how it worked and both the positive and negative effects of having this therapy. I knew that it wouldn’t be a quick fix, or an easy ride. After all, for starters I would be bringing up memories that have been traumatic and distressing, that I pushed to the back of my mind, trying to ignore them but were causing the PTSD symptoms. I made the decision that the positives would likely far outweigh the negative effects. I want rid of this PTSD so I’ll grit my teeth and get through. One of the negatives is that because my brain / other people’s brains don’t process things straight away , often processing after the session. I’ve found that while my brain has been processing the session, other distressing memories and imagery have surfaced. Not great for me as it’s massively triggering, bringing on serious anxiety reactions, panic attacks, but it does give solid “targets” for the following session, in turn I can work with my therapist in that following session and process that memory.
So I had session 3 a few days ago, and thing appear to be progressing nicely according to my therapist. My brain processes very quickly and I’m usually a fast learner which in this sort of thing, is helpful.
I’ve also started writing some poems recently, as a sort of creative outlet expressing my feelings and emotions about anxiety , PTSD, and just generally. I’ve written a couple that haven’t got titles (yet) below:
I think it’s happening again. The darkness is coming, grasping at me, intertwining with the wonders that are female hormone fluctuations, pulling me down, forcing me to swim upwards hard against those depressive demons once again. Two forces battling hard to win this fight, not the first and never the last.
Depression is silent, but I must not be. For the best way to fight is to speak and be loud. Speak. Be heard. Be helped. Be listened to. Reach out to father, mother, friend, doctor. Be armoured with their listening ears. Sometimes I need an extra weapon to fend off those dark months or demons. Pharmaceutical weapons in the form of antidepressants. Like a shield of light against the dark , bring the chemicals back on the seesaw.
Soon I will be more balanced chemical wise, tired from the relentless battle I’ve faced, but boosted by my shield and support I’m ready. Ready to tame the beast, push it right back this time, for I know someday it will return, but next time I will be prepared for the fight.
That was just something I knocked together one Thursday (9th January to be precise) on my work lunch break. Its about my experience with depression.
That net of anxiety has crept up again, from being sat right in the back of my mind, jumping into the forefront of every part of my day, doubt constantly butting into my thoughts like a rude child interrupting adult conversation.
Not a singular trigger, not one exact ‘fear’ I don’t always know what flicks my invisible switch. But when the switch goes , my body never seems to know whether I want to run or freeze. Aaargh!! I want to get away !! But at the same time I’m frozen to the spot. I’m stuck, I’m clammy, sweating, stomach drops out, want to crawl into a ball, I hope no one can see my internal processes.
What a mess, just anxiety, they’ve said. I say you must have never been this way. Try living like this , life on a narrow edge, not seeking thrills just trying to live my life. I’m tired of walking this rope, tired of being on an edge, I’m just tired of being an anxious mess sometimes. It’s not “just anxiety” it’s generalised anxiety disorder thank you!
I’ve also just been diagnosed with hypermobility (which means my joints move more than normal) and fibromyalgia which is where I get a bunch of symptoms, mostly fatigue, brain fog and pain related. Great fun.