Well last week I finally did it. I left my job. At the moment it’s quite a difficult thing to adjust to but realistically was the only option. The people were amazing frankly, and were what kept me sane and hanging on for grim death for so long, but I just couldn’t adapt and cope with the situation I faced. I’m someone who believes in grafting for their wage, and I was just going through the motions towards the end and it really wasn’t fair to them or me to leave it as that, in addition my mental health was suffering because of my own stubbornness and I knew I had to make a choice so I could handle my mental health situation and put my health first, I’d been neglecting it for a while and I hit the point where I either left while I was still well enough to do so, or end up long term signed off. Because of all this I didn’t enjoy my role any more and the timing was right. It was a really difficult thing to do but I know it was right. I’d become a master of “the swan” – looking serene on top and anxious flapping mess underneath, cracks beginning to show through. I think the message here is probably to look after your mental health and yourself first and foremost. Don’t ignore it letting everything , like stress from many sources crank up the heat, adding fuel to the ever rising fire, which pretty soon gets overwhelming. It’s fine to say, look, I’m not okay. Daily episodes of anxiety/anxiety attacks are not something i should have been ignoring. I’m now on the long road to not so much recovery but learning to manage my anxiety better.
Also being anxious sucks because, hey guess what, I’m little miss socially awkward! Or at least a lot of the time. It’s exhausting fighting this in almost every situation I face daily. It’s not particularly anyone’s fault, it’s the damn chemical imbalance. Also anxiety makes me feel like I’m either bothering you all the time, or that you hate me or aren’t my friend because you haven’t replied to messages etc because guess what we’re adults and that’s life, we’re busy. So I’m sorry for the repeat messages and text but anxiety makes me feel fucking shit like I need to send them because of this but now you know, it makes me feel guilty as fuck.
Why is there only one day ‘set aside’ if you like for “feeling blue” or “sad” or “depressed” – like blue Monday in January? What even is this shit? Depression, anxiety and mental illness doesn’t exactly have a set schedule, they frankly don’t give a damn what you have planned, they strike at whatever time they fancy.
Same with, well in a way, World Mental Health Day. Why should we restrict raising awareness of mental health and mental health issues to one day of the year, and talking about mental health to just a single day – what I mean is, we shouldn’t be frightened of talking about mental health for fear of labels or stigma. Talking saves lives. We all need to talk about mental health.
Let someone know you aren’t at your best , they should understand. We aren’t fucking robots we’re people, we all have emotions and our own shit going on. Just listening is an amazing skill. You don’t have to say anything. Just sit, listen, maybe a pat on the shoulder or arm around the shoulder or a hug.
Also decided that it would be fun (not) on my penultimate day at work to trip over a pallet , resulting in a nice fall, and a trip to the local a&e with a suspected broken little finger, fortunately just soft tissue bruising and bruised pride!