So in my last blog I spoke about not being happy where I was.
At the moment, there’s an almost emotional war going on inside myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing, doubting myself all the time , coming over really anxious. That said I have been thinking recently and realistically I haven’t really been ‘ok’ or been myself properly since I came back from Budapest, probably even before then. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so bloody stubborn because thinking about it I should have realised what I was heading for – the meltdown – the way I was working, feeling and carrying on, but decided the best way to deal, or rather not deal with it was to plough through like it was all fine, with almost constant anxiety at work which I’d worked hard to not control but manage, I was at the point of physical and mental exhaustion, burned out and maybe even a breakdown. I should have realised but hindsight is a wonderful thing and alas here I am, slowly healing, a long road ahead.
Perfectionism isn’t always a good trait. I always think I haven’t done enough or need to do more even though I do too much. I learned that I really couldn’t manage that level of stress well, and that’s okay. Anxiety stubbornness and perfectionism are an interesti\nng cocktail, with a pinch of stress added in.
You get the anxiety that you haven’t done well enough, you need to do more, you can’t switch off, stubbornness makes you think you can just plough through and stress just stirs the shitpot really.