Well you can tell I’m Yorkshire by the title can’t you!!
In all seriousness, since I last posted, I have struggled. I went back to work but regretted going back and effectively diving in headfirst into what I’d been doing before in terms of workload.
Yeah. Didn’t entirely go well. Doesn’t need much more saying than that does it. My focus was way off its normal peak and I pushed myself way too much too soon and my work suffered. Several reasons, not all of which I was able to control but one is rather annoyingly my own personal pride, therefore making me feel like shit and a failure if I couldn’t achieve normal performance levels that I expected of myself. I hate myself sometimes when I get like this . I expect a lot when deep down I know I won’t produce as high a quality if I put too much of a workload on myself too early. Other factors didn’t help but they were ultimately out of my control.
I was given a good analogy by someone recently. I have an unseen injury, but it can be like I’ve broken a leg, when it heals, I won’t get full power immediately. This cross tapering is a similar situation I suppose.
I’m now in the final week of citalopram and almost at the end of cross tapering sertraline and citalopram. It hasn’t been and still isn’t a nice ride. I’ve found that I’ve been pushed to the very end of my tether easily, more so than normal recently, and this week has been really fucking tough, the anxiety has bitten back for the first time in a fair while, it’s been a nice respite, but the right must recommence. At the moment I feel tense, anxious, a little on edge, like I could flip out or cry if someone says the wrong thing. This sucks.
Times like this I really value family and close friends that actually support you, even if they just listen to you ranting or put an arm around you when you’re upset about stuff. People that understand when you need to be left alone are equally important. You get to learn who your friends really are when mental illness pulls you into its shitty little vortex, they pull you out into the light (soz that was cheesy).
I’ve really learned what self care is this paat couple of weeks. It isn’t all bubble baths and face masks, it’s making sure you look after yourself first and foremost. If that means taking a ‘mental health day’ there is no shame in that. Not at all. It’s taking a shower and washing your face. Sometimes your body and brain just need a day of being in bed and that’s okay. It’s about doing what’s best for you.
Also I’m starting to learn how to say no when things start to get too much and overload me at work. It’s a vastly underrated but important skill. I have an inherent personality trait where I always want to help people and I always want to help with everything, and sometimes I just don’t know when to press the stop button and slow the fuck down. And step back and just go… Fucking hell you’re doing waaaay too much.
I’ve learned that I need to learn and know my limits and put myself first as much as it goes against my kind nature , that if you don’t look after yourself, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so you come first then if you can, help others. Physically sometimes I’m just about able to do my own work, even more so mentally. It’s been a challenging few weeks but I am improving slowly, progress is progress however slow it may be.
That said, sertraline quite literally hates my guts. Nice mental image for you all there haha!!
In other news, I have finally (cheers in background) been referred to an endocrinologist for my PCOS!!! I have my appointment in the new year so hopefully they can help me.
I’m also learning to take the rough with the smooth and take it easy on myself. I am going to have days where I’m on top of my game, and days where I scrape through the working day, I am starting to understand that now. I don’t try as hard to ‘manage’ emotions as I’ve found it really isn’t helpful.
On yet another note, the SAD light seems to be working which is great, I haven’t really had many symptoms of SAD yet this time , long may it continue! I also haven’t had any migraines since starting the new medication which is awesome!