Tears and tablets

So I’m here in the second week of tapering off my citalopram and next week I start sertraline.

So far, frankly it’s been hell on wheels.

I feel an absolute fucking mess. My judgement is terrible, I can’t sleep without medication at the moment, my moods are all over. I swing from okay to tears and upset over nothing, and I mean nothing I get frustrated over silly shit and things out of my control or stupid things I’ve done. I flash to brief periods of anger and upset, then back to being okay. The cycle repeats itself. It’s awful. I start sertraline on the 12th, cannot be soon enough. I feel like all my good work is on the verge of being undone, all my CBT I’m trying really hard to implement is faltering a bit.

The almost constant feeling of agitation and on edgeness is the main problem rather than the anxiety itself interestingly enough. That’s what I’m struggling with at the min the feelings are intense.

I’m also off sick from work as frankly I’d be about as much use as a chocolate fireguard in my current state, can’t concentrate on edge and significantly more prone to being distracted and therefore making mistakes that I usually wouldn’t be making. So I took what I think is good preventative action and phoned in sick this week because it’s not fair on anyone to have me working in this state. If I hadn’t have taken preventative action I’d have been a horrendous state. In addition to all the above I’ve hardly slept either so that further accentuates my issues.

Something more prevalent too is the lack or apparent lack of understanding when you say you’re off sick and they can’t see anything physically wrong like a broken leg or bad chest infection or concussion. It’s like they don’t believe you that it’s all up inside you , inside your head, these feelings. By that I mean there’s no danger of hurting myself or others, not those sort of thoughts or feelings. Sometimes it’s not on purposes it just needs to be learned about, which is easily done.

I mean the agitation the inability to focus, not to be distracted or to settle into anything without medication that doesn’t make me drowsy and therefore further less suited for work. It is emotionally and physically draining the time I spend fighting this but I know it’s merely a bump in the road and I can beat this fucker.

Restless but tired, both mentally and physically. Wow this is great. Oh by the way I did a little interview with my friend Quinn… Find it here https://mentalhealthwarrior344186053.wordpress.com/2018/10/08/an-insight-into-anxiety-with-lauren-ruddock/ please give it a read.

Putting a brave face is not necessarily the answer to everything and as it says it’s such a brave thing to do to take it off and show the real you . Raw emotion isn’t pretty but controversially I feel sometimes this is what people need to see to believe.

The final issue is medication stigma which I think I’ve addressed previously. Listen right. If you don’t need pills for your illness then that’s great doesn’t make it any worse just means you suit that particular treatment. If you rely upon pills, like myself, that is ABSOLUTELY FINE TOO. So what? If they keep you right and keep you functioning ok then that’s fab.

This week has been a struggle but I’m glad I listened to my body and used self care to spend the week at home mostly sleeping which is obviously what I’ve needed. And I’m hoping once the sertraline has begun, things will improve. X

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