Bombshell.

So it’s been a while since I last wrote. Few reasons for this really. Last Friday my dog was put to sleep. He was 13 1/2 years old, he’d gone blind and mostly deaf and he was diabetic, plus he had a scab like wound on his face under his eye which was just getting infected all the time. And over the last couple of months he’d not been doing much apart from eating and sleeping. We originally rescued him from Dogs Trust on Christmas Eve 2015 and tried to give him the best forever home he could ask for.

Absolutely heartbroken still to be honest, he was my little furry brother and I loved him so much and miss him incredibly. I think I hear him jingling his collar or see him out of the corner of my eye, and then I remember he’s not there. I miss just having him in the house as it seems empty now and he was perfect for snuggling up with and stroking him was very calming for me after a stressful or anxious day.

Right now it’s a Wednesday and I’m coming home from work and I feel so bloody horrible and anxious and I feel like all I want to do is cuddle him one more time. This is what I used to do when I had an anxious day but now I feel a bit lost without him. Not quite the full anxiety works but the skin picking and on edge feelings are very apparent along with the paranoia.

I’m just about managing to hold it together and put the mask on at work most of the time but I feel like I’m on the edge of just bawling my eyes out at an unbusy moment and even while I’m focused in the lab it’s there under the surface. It almost feels like I can’t cry anymore like there’s nothing left to cry about but fuck it here goes.

So yeah had a fucking shite few days but I can take comfort from him looking so relaxed and peaceful when he died.

I’m in fucking bits on the train writing this but it feels better for it to come out, I know I’m going to be grieving for a while still because of how much Oscar was a part of our lives.

On another note I remember the last few posts I’ve made I was talking about my tattoo, so here it is

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