Fear

Ok so maybe not always an anxiety thing but fear of failure is awful. I have a fear of failing – I set myself such high standards because I want to do everything either all at once or with no mistakes whatsoever. However my rational brain says, there’s probably going to be an error somewhere, usually small ish but not significant, however the irrationality then kicks in and says ‘ you’re a failure’ whenever there’s a teeny tiny mistake.

I expect a lot of myself in everything I do and sometimes this backfires. Unfortunately I tend to get crisises of confidence. It’s so frustrating and irritating and I hate that I need constant reassurance that stuff is ok, because to be honest anxiety messes with me and my emotions and I fucking hate it, it’s like sometimes my own judgement is not enough, I don’t believe I can actually do things right when I know I can.. and of course fear of failure, then anxiety attacks….. literally.

I suppose what comes with anxiety, paranoia and that kind of thing is the fear of meeting new people, talking and socially interacting with them at work and outside of work. It’s again really irrationally stupid as it makes you feel incredibly anxious about asking people if you can borrow their pen etc, it builds you up to a crescendo for such a small thing. I’m a lot better at this now though than I ever used to be, I suppose the anxiety and paranoia have a little party and make you think the other person is going to bite your head off or something when the chances are extremely unlikely of that happening.

Paranoia is something that truthfully, because of some of the environments I’ve been in where frankly it was more like a jungle, snakes and backstabbers all over the place, I have struggled with. I still struggle with it but not as much as I feel like I’m on top of it and I can control it by basically saying “thanks brain for thinking of that, but it’s not about me or if it is then you’ll find out” . To give a bit of background, it used to be a bit Chinese whispers and he said she said, but it’s definitely better at work compared to when I played rugby, where I know if something is being said about me, it’ll be directly to me or only to people that actually need to know. To give a bit more info, every time I felt paranoid at rugby , I ended up being right, my gut feeling was spot on. So you can see from this why paranoia was and still is a bit of an issue for me personally. But now I can filter it more, if you like.

To put this in perspective, a year ago I was, to be brutally honest , a fucking mess, and just about functioning while battling with emotional and mental exhaustion because of anxiety and the shit storm I went through. That said I’m out the other side of said storm now, and although obviously I still suffer from anxiety, I now know what I’m dealing with, I’m settled with medication, trying new techniques, such as mindfulness meditation at night, before work and where I feel it’s required, I’m getting settled at my new job, I graduate this summer with a master’s degree, and things are starting to look better.

This time last year I was only thinking about survival, now it’s more about how can I push myself, thinking creatively to manage anxiety, writing this blog! Taking on charity challenges such as Swimathon and a 10k run, socially interacting more.

I am a stubborn fucker though, and sometimes this is great for getting stuff done, but sometimes it aids my anxiety and collaborates with my emotions, which is..well AAAAARGHHHH

It is hard to just let stuff go or forget with anxiety 🙄 as it takes delight in going “oh you’re not busy for 10 minutes, let’s think about everything you might regret doing in the past 5 years” or similar.

However the bad days are just that, the good days it’s me in control not the anxiety, even in bad days I’ve got a better handle on things rather than anxiety running wild. Even so sometimes there’s zero I can do about it.

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