Ok so I think I’ve mentioned briefly about an unfortunate side effect of citalopram – strange dreams. This weird shit combines with the anxiety itself and makes it seem very real the next day. In fact this happened very recently (Monday night/Tuesday) , and what happens is the anxiety is no longer at a base level and I become highly anxious or at least the anxiety is at a higher level at the start of he day than it would be usually. So Monday night I had a dream where I was sacked from work for being ‘3 strikes and out’ and as I work in a lab, pouring liquid into a container of powder. Now I know the anxiety is playing one of its irrational games, as firstly, I haven’t done anything majorly warning worthy that I know of, and secondly, I know for a fact I am literally not that stupid, having never done this in either of my degrees or in my almost 3 months at work. Despite the fact that I know for certain that none of this has actually happened , especially not overnight, the irrational anxiety voice rocks up and makes me believe in my doubts and believe this has happened in the real world. As you can imagine, I suffer with the rest of the day with heightened awareness and anxiety and feel pretty wired.
The only positive is that at the end of the day I’m knackered and usually don’t dream like this more than 3 times a month. The other thing that happens is that I, or at least I assume I do, aggressively grind my teeth in my sleep, that gives me a huge tension headache when I wake up, even when I wear retainers, so I know when it’s bad.
Like today , I’ve been on edge constantly apart from when I keep busy. I am trying to learn to deal with it, but it is difficult to put it mildly. Days like these I have to physically force myself to socially interact and not hide away because that’s literally all I want to do. I’m still here still fighting this anxiety bastard.
Keeping busy unfortunately seems to be key to staving the anxiety off, not that it doesn’t always leave me knackered caused by a combination of the anxiety itself , me fighting it all day to keep it at bay, and the daily tasks themselves. I am however trialling doing a short meditation before work to help me focus on the day ahead and not placing attention on the anxiety itself. So far it seems to be working so hopefully this a good way forward.
Anxiety wise I’ve been a little up and down this past week however my anxiety/mental health awareness tattoo is booked in for the end of the next month… Sneak preview of the art work plus the words “Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside, it’s where my demons hide”
I suppose the meaning behind this is , well the way anxiety makes you feel is that you can’t get too close to anyone because then it taps you on the shoulder and says ” hey no one likes you, that person doesn’t want to get too close because you’re worthless, I’m in control, they’ll think you’re a freak because of what I do to you” – it’s dark inside because of the anxiety, and the anxiety demon hides inside your brain.
Considering the scenario I found myself in a year ago, I’d say work is going pretty well even though it’s a lot to take in as there’s a lot of stuff to learn and remember. I know in myself I am definitely not a failure, just anxiety needs a rather big nudge to remind it of that.
One aspect of my anxiety that I absolutely detest is the part that makes me horrendously paranoid and jealous. It is nowhere near as bad as it used to be when I was taking the contraceptive pill for my PCOS, which did work for a little while then suddenly BOOM I went fucking psycho! Mood swings were horrendous, this was on top of my depression and SAD. I’d fly off the handle at nothing and cry at little things. The idea of it was to mainly slow my ‘man-hair’ growth on my face down, which again worked for a while then did sweet fuck all.
I think the pill probably fucked up my brain chemicals even more – REALLY HELPFUL. The paranoid feelings, anger and jealousy made me into frankly a monster. I’m much happier off the pill now. Sometimes I do feel a bit numb as in I struggle to emotionally connect but then I can’t have everything!