Feeling like…

So sometimes my anxiety reaches a point where I call it ‘in crisis!’ today I feel that. Little stupid insignificant things just add up over time and a tiny tiny thing comment or incident can just push me over the edge. I feel like I can’t cope. I feel significantly incompetent at work, I feel really fucking stupid and unfocused. On top of all these feelings, back comes paranoia and then frustration both at myself and the feelings of anxiety. Right now I just want to scream, cry, throw shit and sleep, all at once. This is an absolutely horrendous and is as bad as a panic attack. I get really upset that I can’t focus and that I think I’m incompetent when I know I’m not. I get so angry at myself.

I am trying to manage this more effectively by using some recently learned techniques, however sometimes I just manage to function then when I’m alone I go to pieces. I hate people seeing me like this. I feel like a fucking mess. I suppose this is a bit of wanting to keep the external mask on and not let people in. But some part of me thinks that people that stigmatise anxiety and mental illness need to see this. See what pain is caused by our own brain chemicals.

I know this will pass and that’s what keeps me going through this. Emotionally I’m almost spent today and the exhaustion will hit later. My SAD and anxiety are playing with each other and fighting against me. I wish the weather would manage to get its shit together and be a bit sunnier. When these 2 get together they are a devastingly destructive partnership. They cause a mindfuck and basically I’d describe my current state as almost a chronic anxiety attack – the depersonalisation is there but less acute, as are some of the physical symptoms, and brain fog, which is a distinct issue when you’re trying to focus.

‘coming down’ from this is bad too. Exhaustion, sometimes irritability, which I seem to be a lot lately, and just a general shitty feeling. The mask goes back on though so I can go to work.

Astfgujhtujfesfhiggvvfuuuuckkkvdguhdgjj – if you wanted to see an example of my current state in words !

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